How would I defend myself?
In case of a verbally abusive co worker or boss?

How can I attack, and respond blow for blow after receiving insults, verbal venom spewed my way?
What tricks are at my disposal and when do I get to unleash them?

I used to ask myself this all the time. I felt others were conspiring to keep me down so I felt I had to unleash an assault before they did. I may have had anger issues.

This attacking mindset was before I discovered I was better off not assuming intent.
judgment day

See, back then, I knew.
What. Everyone. Else. Meant.
They weren’t on my side.
So I had to deal with them.

Attack before getting attacked.
Explode on them with an even greater ferocity. Repay misdeeds against me by a hundred times.
I actually said that.

I did discover, eventually, there were other ways to deal with those who were coming after me. Ways that didn’t include losing it. So I thought I’d share them in this post. They worked for me, maybe they will for you.

First and foremost, don’t assume you know the intent of the other person. Yes I know they’re verbally assaulting you but consider they may actually have a reason for their outburst. Did you screw up?

But no you may say, there’s simply no justification for this attack on my character!

OK, lets go to the next step. This one took me many years and altercations to even try. But I do have to admit, it does work.

Simply walk away. If you’re on the phone, simply hang up. End the conversation, now. Leave the room.

But no, you may be thinking. This is my boss and I can’t just walk away. Or, I’m negotiating a contract and the other side is unleashing on me. I have to stay. I have to respond.

My response is “Yes you can! walk away. Granted, if it’s your supervisor, you may have to wait for the right time to leave, but you still leave. At the negotiation table, by all means you can leave. If the other side of the table is unleashing, they are doing it to make a point, whatever that point may be. By leaving, your demonstrating to the other side that you cannot be addressed in that manner without slowing down the negotiation process. Trust me, their team won’t want the process stalled.

But can you ever respond?

Yes, Respond. But, the response needs to be thoughtfully considered and measured. I have found that whenever I responded in kind the result was there was now another person angry – me. Unfortunately I’ve dealt with people, personally and professionally, who’ve deliberately goaded me, trying to get a rise out of me. And when I reacted angrily, they abruptly changed into the softest speaking, nicest person asking me why I couldn’t control myself.

Back in the day, I would often visualize scenarios, practicing my ready made response. I probably spent more time imagining possible slights then I did preparing for the actual negotiations.
I would search for a clever, sarcastic, pointed response which would insure I would never be questioned again.

My best advice, after years of trial and error is to simply limit the response, show as little emotion as possible, ask questions if needed and de-escalate the confrontation if you can. If that doesn’t work, it’s probably the right time to end the discussion. Maybe you need to leave for another meeting, you need time to consider what was told to you. Or maybe you inform to the attacker, “Wait, now you are getting personal and I don’t want to continue going down this path. I need to leave and if you want we can continue this discussion later.” And then leave.

Sometimes the attacker is looking for an angry response. For you to lose your self control. Don’t do it. Why give the person who is coming after you what they want?

After reading this far, are you still looking for a way to strike back?
I learned early on in my life, smiling while under fire will absolutely drive your adversary insane.

In summary, when you’re getting verbally assaulted:
1. Don’t assume you know the intent of the other person;
2. Walk away, hang up the phone. Leave the room.
3. If you can’t do #2 immediately, then offer a response. Measured and considered. Emotionless. Address only the issue being raised. This is not the time to list all of your other grievances.
4. Attempt to deescalate the situation if possible.
5. End the discussion.
6. Live to fight another day!
7. And always, Smile. 😃

Peace out.
JT 😉