From the Reaching Resolutions Vault – updated.
Why is everyone so angry?
Look around examples are everywhere. Facebook comment debates, it’s as if everyone has an opinion and the need to share it with me! Everyone is arguing – Politics, religion, you name a topic people are arguing, yelling, even screaming. The discourse is hardly ever civil.
Everyone’s SHOUTING and as a result no one is really heard.
Maybe it’s just me, but when I think about the days gone by I don’t seem to recall people as angry as they are today.
No, today seems different. More competitive, more stressful, more combative.
I’ve been at the negotiating table when I’ve gotten upset with the other side. To be honest, I mean to say Angry! I don’t even remember what set me off – I think they had proposed something which would have set civilization back hundreds of years or something like that. That’s how I reacted.
I had forgotten that it was only a proposal! I was angry/mad that they PROPOSED it!
Remember Rule #1?
Don’t take it Personally!
Well, I did!
Looking back, the union most likely did what I regularly would do – propose something extreme just to get their minds off what I really wanted.
I once did this to a nice guy representing a small union. We were negotiating a contract and our side had just lost an important arbitration grievance case – so naturally I proposed language that would completely reverse what his side won in the arbitration. I warned my team what I was going to do and to take notes on his reaction.
And what a reaction it was! I had never seen a human face turn as many colors as his did that day! He began reading the proposal, his face went from white to red to purple with blue mixed in. He started stuttering and then yelled “NO! NO! NO!” And with that he ripped up my proposal!
Wow, I hadn’t prepared for that! I asked him if ripping my proposal meant he was refusing to negotiate? In good faith? It took him a few moments but he began to realize what his anger had done. By ripping my proposal, refusing to accept it, he had put himself in a box.
It would be easy for me to argue that by doing what he did, he WAS refusing to negotiate in good faith. And so, I did just that. That day I filed an Unfair Labor Practice (ULP) charge against him with the State’s Labor Board.
This poor guy, now he had the ULP charge to deal with as well as asking me for another copy of the proposal! His team was not happy with him and I’m sure they were furious with me.
Bottom line – I made the proposal to get him upset I just didn’t think he would get that ANGRY. When we finished the contract, I ultimately agreed to withdraw the ULP charge with some other concessions and he agreed to language which effectively reversed his big arbitration win.
WIN WIN? For me, it was. We got the language change we wanted and I learned a big lesson on anger.
The lesson?
When I allow anger to get the best of me, I lose. Every time. No…matter…what.
But anger can be good too, right? Well, yes, anger harnessed can be a useful tool in negotiations.
Anger is an emotion. Emotions aren’t good or bad. They’re part of being human. As long as we are in control of our emotions, our anger, we’re good. Just don’t take things personally.
Enjoy the Holidays!
JT
I’ve heard that singing can help us calm down.
Or, whatever works for you.
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