Remember the movie “Fight Club?”

“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk about Fight Club. Third rule of Fight Club: Someone yells stop, goes limp, taps out, the fight is over. Fourth rule: only two guys to a fight. Fifth rule: one fight at a time, fellas. Sixth rule: no shirts, no shoes. Seventh rule: Fights will go on as long as they have to. And the eighth and final rule: If this is your first night at Fight Club, you have to fight.”

In life just like Fight Club there are always rules, or guidelines, or laws, or orders…Things I have found need to be followed to get anything done.

So it was only natural that I developed Rules to follow whenever I negotiated contracts or negotiated life trying to Reach a resolution.

Here’s my take:

Let’s begin at the top – whenever, I’m negotiating or settling disputes, or trying to make sense of why people are how they are (rude, mean, unfriendly) I remember RULE #1. Don’t take it personal.

Every seminar I’ve held – rule number one is always announced first. Don’t take it personal. Even if the other person who’s making life difficult for you IS making it personal. Don’t take it personal.

I once sat across the negotiating table from a union representative who would practice venting his spleen on the unfortunate person on the other side. This day it was me. Now I don’t even know what function the spleen has I just know I caught the vent. And when he let loose, I did what I sometimes do when I’m nervous or feeling unsure – I started to smile and then to laugh. Not laughing loudly, just a laugh response that prompted Spleen Venter to stop the tirade demanding to know why I was laughing. I told him I had never met anyone who could string so many profanities together and still make sense! His sentences were all adjectives! He started to smile and then to laugh. And then, and only then, were we able to get to the business at hand.

Later on, he told me that whenever he would try to use his cursing technique on me he discovered it wouldn’t work as it was hard to yell at someone who wasn’t fazed by it. Most people were either deeply offended by him or felt they had to respond in kind thereby escalating the argument. Not much would get accomplished and no one wanted to deal with him. Which he apparently liked by the way.

His strategy or negotiating technique was to make everything personal.

Sometimes supervisors would ask me how to deal with employee grievances or complaints. After questioning them on the situation, I discovered what really aggravated them was how in the world could the employee complain about them or their work! I’m right and they’re wrong! It often wasn’t the actual issue that upset them. They were taking it way to personal.

I’ve negotiated many contracts, heard many grievances and one thing always held true – the moment I took the situation personally , I lost focus on what should have been the most important aspect – my end goal. It wasn’t until I got over it that I could re-focus and move forward.

Now before you comment that this is too simplistic and not realistic let me pose this – look back on situations where you lost it – no matter the situation – when you lost it who had control of the situation? It doesn’t matter how insulting the other person was or if you are in the right. The moment you take it personally, you lose the ability to deal with the situation in a fair, impartial, objective way. I know this is easier said than done, no one wants to be insulted, cursed or yelled at, but ultimately your level of success will be determined by your ability to adhere to this Rule.

I still sometimes struggle with with this but When I look back on failed negotiation sessions, failed meetings where nothing is accomplished many times I find the reason was simply failing to adhere to Rule #1.

Rule #1 Don’t take it personal!

to be continued….