sometimes, it’s tough being a dad

Let me first say, I signed up to be a dad.
I love every minute too.

Growing up I thought being a dad was easy.
When I became one,I always looked to my dad for guidance.
He had it easy. He had 5 kids – 3 girls and 2 sons.
The sons were easy. I was one of them.
Whatever he said was, it was what we did.

Seems different now.

I have 3 daughters and 1 son.
My son is the easiest, I think.
I talk to him and everything is alright.
We have a good time when we are together, so things must be good.
Am I doing enough?, I ask myself.
I just want him to know I’m there for him, whenever, whatever.

My daughters are a bit different.
They keep me vigilant.
It’s not them, it’s me.
I can’t help feeling that I need to always be there and protect them.
From what: I don’t know, for what ever, I guess.
They are all very independent and strong and yet I still feel a need to protect them always.

One daughter needed help so I ordered an under the radar order of protection.
Another needed assistance so I advised she go through legal channels.
Another just needed guidance.
Maybe they would agree with this analysis, I don’t know.

I love my grand kids too, I intend to be around for them.
All the time.
But I’m thinking of my kids. My four.
Do they know how I feel?

I ask myself often, did my dad go through all this too? I wonder.
My dad was the answer to everything. He had everything under control.
Me? I guess and second guess my every move. What do my kids think?

I used to think all I had to do was bark an order and someone would come and make things right.
And to be totally honest, sometimes that is all I had to do.

Now however, I realize I’m not able to do all I should.
Or at least all that I think I did before.
Do they even notice?
I don’t know.
Hope not.

To my kids: Just let me know: What do you need?
I’m still here.
Just…let…me…know.

In this stage of my life, all I want to know is how I can be of help.
I wish that I knew what I know now when I was younger….

I love you all.
I don’t think you can ever comprehend how much,
and know this, no matter what
I’ll be there…

My dad made it look so easy, I found it’s not.
I will do whatever I can.
And
I wish that…
I knew what I know now…
when I was younger.

l/dad

Ohh La la

life is negotiable…

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